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i BAKER, 5 Hamilton 


Place, Boston, Mass. 



Strong Medicine 

A Comedy in Two Acts 



By 
ERNEST L. NOON 



PLEASE NOTICE 

The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly reserved. 
Amateurs may obtain permission to produce it privately upon 
payment of a fee of five dollars (#5.00) for each performance, in 
advance. All payments and correspondence should be addressed 
to Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn Road, Summit, 
JNew Jersey. ' 



BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1918 



4r 



Strong Medicine 



CHARACTERS 



Dr. Davidson, who gives the medicine. 

Dr. Charles Gordon, who takes it 

Virginia Crisp, a nurse, who makes the taking easy. 

Mrs. Van Tilt, a patient, who is fond of any medicine. 

Henry, a hospital orderly, who is beyond all medic ities. 

Mary, a maid who has little to do either with medicines or the plot. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— The office of the Davidson Private Sanitarium. 

Act II.— The garden before Davidson's home. 

The time is the afternoon and evening of the same day. 




Copyright, 191 8, by Ernest L. Noon 
As author and proprietor. 

All stage and moving picture rights reserved. 

See note on title page. 

DEC 31 1918 

©CI.D 50927 



Strong Medicine 



ACT I 

The scene is the office of Dr. Davidson's Private Sani- 
tarium. A doorway gives into a sunny hall at the rear 
of the stage, while at left stage a smaller door leads to 
other rooms of the Sanitarium. A door at r. opens 
to the out-of-doors. Close by it stands a settee. A 
flat-topped desk or table at left stage, littered with 
medical journals and with a telephone. Behind it a 
chair. A bookcase stands in the alcove at the rear 
Medical charts cover the walls. As the curtain rises 
the telephone bell rings and Dr. Davidson appears 
from the door at l. That he is advancing in years is 
betrayed by the sprinkling of gray hair, but he is so 
dapper, so energetic, that the fact is overlooked. He 
wears an immaculate white coat. 

Davidson (suavely into the 'phone). Dr. Davidson's 
Private Sanitarium— Dr. Davidson, himself, speak— (his 
voice changing as he recognizes his daughter's voice) 
o-oh— hello, Kitty, is this you? Now don't scold 
father— of course I know your voice. (A pause.) U-m, 
well, we all have our little ways, you know. See here,' 
Kitty, I'm sorry you turned down young Gordon when 
he proposed this morning. He's a nice young- fellow— I 
like him. He leaves for training camp to-morrow. Yes, 
yes, I know, but proposals don't grow on every bush! 
You've got to make allowances in war times. Urn, I see. 
You are over at Peg's. Get back in time for dinner this 
evening. You won't! (Reproachfully.) Now, that's 

3 



A STRONG MEDICINE 

a pretty way to talk to your father Don't get home too 
late, child. Whose car is it? Young Lewis-why I 
thought young Lewis was at camp?. A t^A { eh 
with a friend? We\\~ah-- (enthusiastic ally) 111 tell 
you what I'll do. When you all come over this evening 
I'll have a bit of a party ready. Informal, you know. 
Tust a few of our friends. You— just— leave— it— to— 
Dad Good-bye. ( He pushes back the 'phone and rings 
a bell) That girl is too much for me. (He walks 
slowly across the stage. Miss Crisp appears from the 
door at l She is very prim in her nurse s costume but 
attractive in her primness.) Well, I'll invite Gordon and 
give him one more chance. (Wheeling upon the nurse.) 
Oh, Miss Crisp ! Has Dr. Gordon come in? 

Miss Crisp. Not yet, Doctor. # 

Davidson. Hu-um, not yet. ( Glancing at his watch. ) 
It's three o'clock. 

Miss Crisp. I hope nothing has happened to Dr. 
Gordon. I was standing in the hall when he # left the 
hospital this morning, and he had such a worried look. 
It frightened me. . . , 

Davidson. Yes, he was worried. He had just lost 

something. T , , r , .. 

Miss Crisp (earnestly). Oh, I hope he found it 

again. 

Davidson. No ; he lost an engagement. 

Miss Crisp (brightly). That was the reason he was 
hurrying so fast ! . 

Davidson (stepping up to Miss Crisp and wagging 
his finger at her vigorously). No, that wasn t it at all. 
Now you are a young lady— don't contradict me. I have 
a question to ask. Would you, or would you not— the 
answer is not— accept a young man who proposed to you 
in the morning? 

Miss Crisp (puzzled). In the morning i 

Davidson (with increased vigor). In the morning! 
R-r-reeking with antiseptic, clothes all gee-hawed forty 
ways for Sunday, bandages sticking out of one pocket 
and scissors, knives and saws sticking out of the other, 
hair all tousled, rubber gloves on his hands— proposing 
in a hospital between operations. 



STRONG MEDICINE r 

Miss Crisp (with a little catch in her voice). And 
she accepted? 

(As she speaks she crosses Davidson and comes down 
stage at r.) 

Davidson. No, of course she didn't accept. Who 
would accept? You wouldn't accept! I wouldn't ac- 
cept! Nobody would accept! (He waves an accusing 
linger at Gordon who has just appeared at the door on R 
Gordon has as yet failed to acquire the professional 
mien. He is boyish, his face frank and open.) Gordon 
you are a fool! 

Gordon (tossing down his hat). Well, you needn't 
rub it in. 

Davidson. Proposing to a girl— my daughter— in the 
morning. R-r-r-reeking with antiseptic, clothes all gee- 
hawed forty ways for Sunday, bandages sticking out of 
one pocket and the Lord knows what out of the other- 
proposing in a hospital between operations. (He strides 
to the extreme l. Miss Crisp drops back stage and 
quietly arranges the books in the rack.) You ought to 
be in a lunatic ward. Of course my daughter turned 
you down. Anybody's daughter would turn you down 
1 don t care if you were the Tsar of Siberia or Douglas 
Fairbanks. fe 

Gordon (slowly). I can't explain it. 
Davidson. I can. 

Gordon. I had just finished an operation— Mrs. 
lOrnkms tonsils it was— (enthusiastically) and most ex- 
traordinary tonsils they were, too, Doctor, the largest 

the finest, the longest 

Davidson (with a roar). Oh, hang the tonsils! 
t 1 Go 1 RD ? N - Well > I had J^st taken out the tonsils when 
I looked up and there she was. (As though he sees her 
before him.) The sun came glinting through her golden 

hair. Her eyes shone like stars 

Davidson. Did you tell her that ? 
Gordon. No. That was what I was thinking to my- 
self. 
.Davidson. It's a good thing you didn't. (Sarcastic 



6 STRONG MEDICINE 

ally.) She might have accepted you. Tell her yoti 
were going to camp to-morrow ? 

Gordon. Of course not! She knows that already. 

Davidson. Well, what did you tell her? 

Gordon {patiently). Why, I said I had just taken 
out Mrs. Tomkin's tonsils — and then I asked her to 
marry me. 

(Davidson throws up his hands in disgust and crosses 
to right stage. Miss Crisp goes out quietly.) 

Davidson. O-o-oh ! It must be his youth. (Con- 
fidentially while Gordon sits on the corner of the desk.) 
Now see here, I'd like you to marry my daughter. But 
she has to be managed. All women have to be man- 
aged. They're like horses. Now when you proposed 
this morning you had to be disqualified. You bolted the 
ticket. You didn't play according to the rules of Inter- 
national Law. What else could she do? Now, let me 
give you some advice. (As Gordon attempts to rise he 
pushes him back.) Don't be afraid! It's free. I know 
all about marriages. I'm what you might call a matri- 
monial authority. I've married enough women in my 
time to make ten men unhappy. The thing you want to 
do when you propose to a girl is to stack the cards — so — 
you — can't — lose. 

Gordon. That's impossible! 

Davidson. No, it isn't ! If you have the proper con- 
ditions, there's not a woman on earth can turn you down. 
Not one ! Take moonlight for example. 

Gordon (laughing). Now you're joking. Well, I 
can take a joke. 

(He swings his legs carelessly against the desk and 
stares straight ahead.) 

Davidson. Ah, but the point is to have the girl take 
you. (Gordon starts.) You take moonlight, I say, a 
fine yellow, golden moonlight that warms up your heart 
and makes you want to reach out and cuddle something. 
That's the stuff that marriages are made of. Why, I've 
made all my proposals by moonlight. 



STRONG MEDICINE y 

Gordon (qmazed), Do you mean to sav that a pro- 
posal should be all mapped out ahead of time as though 
you are staging a play ? 

Davidson. That's exactly what I mean. All life is 
a stage. 

Gordon. I don't believe it ! 

Davidson. Read your Shakespeare. Look at my 
office if you want an example. {Gesticulating.) What 
do you think those charts are for up there on the wall ? 
iou don't think I ever read them, do you? Why do I 
have all these medical journals cluttering up my desk? 
Why do I make my patients wait five minutes before I 
let them in? 

Miss Crisp {who has entered and come down-stage to 
lay a book on the desk). It is true, Dr. Gordon. I've 
heard that the playwrights have their audience analyzed. 
If you want a thrill {clapping her hands smartly) bang 
goes a pistol, or a woman screams, or perhaps the lights 
go out. If it's emotion you're after, soft music comes 
wobbling out from underneath the stage. 

Davidson {brightly). Make a note of that, Miss 
Crisp. We'll have music to-night. (Miss Crisp scrib- 
bles vigorously on a pad.) Here's the point, Gordon; 
your audience always swallows the bait. 

Gordon. But that's not life. That's the stage. 
Davidson. That's life, I tell you. Women are like 
porcupines. You have to rub them the right way. A 
girl looks forward all her life to marriage. 

Miss Crisp {over her shoidder as she walks back- 
stage). Not all girls! 

Davidson {regarding her out of the comer of his eye). 
And the ones that tell you that they don't are using a tele- 
scope behind your back. {Strutting back and^ forth.) 
But she sees just what she wants to see— a romantic 
figure dominating a romantic scene. {With the utmost 
scorn.) Here you trot up in the morning and propose 
between operations. Will she take you? 
Gordon. ) >T , 
Davidson, f NcM)! 

Davidson {argiimentaiively). You're the same old 
pal she's seen around this office for the last two years. 



g STRONG MEDICINE 

You are not the super-man of her dreams. (Solemnly.) 
And when it comes to dreaming, give me a woman. 
Gordon. What does she see when you propose at 

111 d'aVidson. It isn't what she sees. It's what she 
doesn't see. She doesn't see you. 

Sk. Oh, "y^u" can't expect to match up along- 
side a woman's ideal. The thing to do is to leave it to 
the moonlight and the music and your uniform and let 
her own imagination do the rest. 

Gordon. By George, I believe you re right. 

Davidson. Of course I'm right. I tell you, I know 
Now I'm giving a little party at my home to-night. 
YorTare to have one more chance. Get that almanac ! 

(Gordon scurries back to the bookcase. Miss Crisp 
hands him the almanac.) 

Gordon. I have it! 
Davidson. Is there a moon • 

Gordon (turning pages feverishly). Moon-moon- 
( triumphantly) there's a grand one ! 
Davidson. Good! Providence is with us. Have 

^MISS'S.' It was delivered here to-day. Henry 
was trying it on a while ago. 

Davidson. Wear it to-night. Swell out your dies - 
swagger a bit-bubble over with patriotism— say all the 
old things-compliment everybody-and you're sure to 
make a hit. Now we must have music. . 

Miss Crisp. I think I've heard Henry play the violin. 

Davidson. Henry-hu-um. We'll get Henry. 
(Takes a few steps towards the door.) 

Gordon {to Miss Crisp). I'll wager that's what we 
heard the other night when we thought a baby was 

crying. 

Davidson, j He . ey; Henry i 

Daemon (counting on his fingers). Moon, uniform, 
music 



STRONG MEDICINE q 

(Henry saunters on from the door at l. Henry is 
very tall, very thin, with a melancholy countenance 
and a sepulchral voice.) 

Henry. Did I hear some one call? 

Davidson (dryly). You did. 

Gordon. Henry, we want to show our appreciation 
of your untiring and indefatigable toil, so we are going to 
invite you to a party to-night. Bring your fiddle. 

Henry. Do you mean my violin? 

Gordon^ Either ! How about those two negro waiters 
in the children's ward? They play something, don't 
they ? 

Henry (sadly). I'm sorry about that. I've engaged 
them to play at an Irish wake. 

Davidson (slipping a coin into Henry's eager hand). 
But perhaps you can arrange differently. 
^ Henry. Leave it to me! (Stalking to the door.) 
I'll arrange it. (He goes out.) 

Davidson (triumphantly). There. That's settled. 
We'll have music. I never yet heard of a proposal made 
to music that failed. Did you ? 

Gordon. No ! I never did. 

(He walks slowly across stage.) 

Davidson (suddenly struck by a new thought). How 
about perfumery? 
^ Gordon (wheeling about fiercely). No you don't. 
I'll stand for the moonlight, and I'll stand for the uni- 
form, and I'll stand for the music, but I'll be hanged if 
I'll stand for perfumery. When it comes to leading a 
woman into marriage by the nose I— draw— the— line. 

Miss Crisp. Come, come ! Be a sport ! The Doctor 
knows more about these things than you do. A man 
should leave no stone unturned to get the woman he 
loves. 

Gordon (unconvinced). Yes, and after he gets her 
who is going to put the stones back again? 

Davidson (excitedly). See here! You've got to kill 
that antiseptic. No girl wants to marry a hospital. And 
for heaven's sake don't say anything about anybody's 



I0 STRONG MEDICINE 

tonsils or adenoids or the appearance of their epiglottis 
or the condition of Mrs. Tiddlewink's fibula. It s not 
done, you know. What you want is a fervid, impas- 
sioned appeal suited to the occasion. 

Gordon (wildly). But I cant do that. I don t know 
what to do. I don't know what to say. I never made 
love to anybody. Miss Crisp, help me, can't you? 

Miss Crisp (helplessly). Oh, I can't, Doctor. I 
don't know how! 

Davidson (snatching up a bright red volume from the 
desk). This book is just the thing. I can't tell you how 
many good things I've gotten from this book. (Extend- 
ing the book tozvards Gordon and then towards Miss 
Crisp he tosses it upon the desk as they reach to take it.) 
Take it ! Read it ! It will do you good and make every- 
thing easy. A proposal without pep is like champagne 
without fizz. 

Gordon (reading). " Drops from a Bleeding Heart. 
Davidson. You see, it appeals to the medical man. 
Gordon. Chapter One, "How to Flirt." Chapter 
Two, " How to Win a Wife." Chapter Three, " How to 
Get Married." Chapter Four, " How to Raise a Baby. 
Chapter Five, " How to Get a Divorce." # 

Davidson. You see! It's all there. An invaluable 
book. (Snatching it from Gordon's hands.) Now, here 
is a good passage. You better memorize this. " When 
I first gazed into your luminous eyes "—you can sub- 
stitute the right adjective for eyes— gray, green, or 
brown — " When I first gazed into your luminous eyes 
my heart stopped beating in my breast." There's passion 
for you ! 

Gordon. That's unscientific. I appeal to you as a 
physician. I appeal to you, Miss Crisp, as a nurse. It 
can't be done ! 

Davidson (peering through the central portal), bn-h! 
Here comes Henry with Mrs. Van Tilt. 

Gordon (in disgusted tones). What is the matter 
with that woman ? 

Davidson. Not a thing! She is a society mogul and 
wanted an operation— a fashionable operation— so I gave 
her one. The fee was five hundred dollars. 



STRONG MEDICINE I £ 

(Gordon whistles and saunters to right stage Miss 
Crisp drops back to stand by Mrs. Van Tilt when 
she comes on stage.) 

v M >n S i-Y AN , TlLT {0ff Sta ^' Have a cai *e, Henry! 
You 11 kill me ! 

Henry (off stage). Ma'am, you would make a 
lovely corpse. 

(He pushes Mrs. Van Tilt into the room in a rolling 
chair. ^ Mrs. Van Tilt is one of the rarer flowers 
of society's hothouse. She is fairly well advanced 
in years but still clings tenaciously to youth. She 
is attired in an elaborate negligee.) 

Davidson. How do you do? 

Gordon (pleasantly). I am glad to see you looking 
so well. s 

Mrs. Van Tilt (almost tearfully). Oh, do you think 
I look well? I am so sorry. 

Davidson (quickly). An error, Mrs. Van Tilt, a 
mistake. You undoubtedly show the deepest signs' of 

t7 sha11 We say ' terrific or deal you have been through 

Mrs. Van Tilt (brightening). Oh, I am so glad you 
think so. I passed a most uneasy night. I didn't sleep 
a wink— and then I had such horrible dreams. I thought 
my husband was alive again. 

Davidson (solemnly). That was terrible. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. One has such dreams when one has 
been through the ether— does one not? 

Davidson (absently). One do ' 

Mrs Van Tilt Did I hold up under the ether, 
Doctor ? 

Davidson. Oh, yes, there was plentv of holding up. 

Gordon. If it had not been for Miss Crisp here 

Mrs. Van Tilt. I knew I would be heroic under the 
knife. Ihe traditions of our family demanded it. My 
ancestors fought in the Revolution. 

Henry. She's not a patient. She's an event. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. And what was my operation ? 

Davidson (solemnly). Chronofacations of the con- 
voluted splanknicords. 



12 STRONG MEDICINE 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Oh, is that not wonderful? I un- 
derstand that very few people, very, very few have had 
it before. 

Davidson. Very, very, very few — and they only of 
the elect. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (clasping her hands). And what did 
you extract from me? 

Gordon (artlessly). Five hundred dollars ! 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Five hundred dollars? 

Gordon. Yes — er — I'd give five hundred dollars to 
know what he took from you, Mrs. Van Tilt. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (to Davidson). What was it, Doc- 
tor? 

Davidson. We took out the oscillatory vigrations of 
the tintinnabulating Ukranian Diet. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Oh, do you not love to hear him say 
it ! Do you know when I first came into the office I was 
afraid he would not be able to find anything at all the 
matter with me. But as soon as he looked at me he 
discovered something. Cle-everman! (Davidson beams 
insanely into space.) I can hardly wait until I get back 
to the Club and the Red Cross League. Now when the 
ladies start talking about their operations — won't I have 
a lot to say? (Her eyes lighting on "Drops from a 
Bleeding Heart" which is lying on the desk.) What is 
the pretty book? A medical volume, no doubt. 

Davidson (hurriedly). No, no — not a medical vol- 
ume. (Both Gordon and Davidson gesticulate wildly 
at Henry, who contemplates the book quietly for several 
moments and then calmly hands it to Mrs. Van Tilt. 
Davidson and Gordon move tozvards Mrs. Van Tilt's 
chair.) No, not exactly a medical volume. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (reading). "Drops from a Bleeding 
Heart." (Triumphantly.) I knew it was a medical 
volume. Chapter One, " How to Flirt." (Coquettishly.) 
Doct-or ! 

Davidson (unhappily). Mrs. Van Tilt 

Gordon (attempting to explain). Oh, I assure you 
it was left here. It was left here by a bony man with 
tall nose-glasses, I mean — that is — a nosey man with tall 
bone-glasses (Wildly, to Henry, who remains ini- 



STRONG MEDICINE 



*3 



passive.) Ah — er — that is — Henry, who was that glassy 
man with tall nose bones you let in this morning? 

Henry (thoughtfully). Do you mean the Reverend 
Doctor Bibleback? 

Gordon (in despair). No— no— it couldn't have been 
the Reverend Bibleback. (Rushing to right stage.) Oh, 
who could have brought in that book? 

Mrs. Van Tilt (reading). " How to Win a Wife." 

Davidson (winking at Miss Crisp, who fails to catch 
his signal). Miss Crisp— you didn't bring that book, I 
hope? 

Mrs. Van Tilt (looking up from her book just in 
time to catch the wink and returning it with interest). 
" How to Get Married." 

Miss Crisp. No, Doctor, I put it right back in your 
coat pocket, just where I found it. 

(Davidson is overwhelmed.) 

Mrs. Van Tilt (playfully). Oh, I'm on to your little 
ways. You widowers are all alike. I remember when 
I took on Mr. Van Tilt. We were at a restaurant. The 
band was playing something and there was the most 
heavenly odor in the air— (Davidson and Miss Crisp 
nod energetically at Gordon) — and Mr. Van Tilt said, 
" Let's have something to drink ! " 

Davidson. Pst! Pst! Write it down. 

(Gordon scribbles in his note-book.) 

Mrs. Van Tilt. And that is all I remember, except 
Mr. Van Tilt swore he proposed and I must have ac- 
cepted, because we got married soon after. He was a 
dear man but (shaking her finger roguishly at David- 
son) a gay deceiver. 

Davidson. The fact is, Mrs. Van Tilt, I bought this 
book for Gordon. 

Gordon. For me ! 

Henry. Passing the book ! 

Davidson. Gordon has a little problem in matrimony 
and we are all helping him to solve it. I'm giving a little 
party at my home to-night. Won't you join us? 



14 STRONG MEDICINE 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Oh, Doctor, how can I? I am so 
sick. 

Davidson. That's all right. Henry will roll you up, 
won't you, Henry? 

Henry. I'll be there, with the two coons, the fiddle 
and Mrs. Van Tilt. 

Davidson. Good! Now we need another girl. 
(His eyes lighting on Miss Crisp.) The very thing! 
Miss Crisp, are you engaged? 

Miss Crisp. You embarrass me. 

Davidson. No, no — I mean for to-night. 

Miss Crisp. No, Doctor. 

Davidson. Then you'll come too. Don't deny it! 

Gordon. Oh, please come, Miss Crisp. You've been 
such a sport, you know, and stood by me in all the opera- 
tions and all that sort of thing and now — when I need 
you most — don't go back on me. 

Miss Crisp. Very well. I shall be glad to come. 

Gordon (relieved). I knew you would. Now every- 
thing will be all right. 

Davidson. Then it is all arranged. Gordon, you 
better come up early to get the lay of the land. Good- 
bye then, until to-night. 

(He bustles out through the door at r.) 

Mrs. Van Tilt (watching him off). The clev-er 
man! 

Gordon (to Miss Crisp). I'm so glad you are com- 
ing. I'm frightfully rattled. Now you know — if I 
should propose to you in the morning — in a hospital — you 
wouldn't accept me — would you? 

Miss Crisp. Doctor — I — I 

Gordon. No ! Of course you wouldn't ! But at 
night — to-night, to be exact — then, it's a different propo- 
sition. Then I couldn't get turned down. Then I 
couldn't possibly get turned down. Now, if I should 
propose to you to-night, what could I say so you couldn't 
possibly turn me down? 

Miss Crisp (sharply). I think the less you'd say, the 
better. 



STRONG MEDICINE jr 

(She goes out quickly through the door at l.) 
Mrs. Van Tilt. Well, for a solid gold, twenty-four 
carat, out and out fool, give me a man. Roll me out 
Henry. ' 

(Gordon strides to desk and picks up "Drops from a 
Bleeding Heart" as the curtain falls.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

The scene is the garden before Davidson's home; the 
time is the evening of the same day. At r. may be 
seen the veranda, half hidden by bushes and tree- 
branches. Chairs are arranged on the veranda, or be- 
fore, as may be convenient. A garden bench stands 
down stage and to l. A wall or hedge runs across 
stage at the rear. There is a gate at c. Moonlight 
floods in from r. As the curtain rises, Gordon, in uni- 
form, closely followed by the two negroes, comes 
striding through the gate. In one hand Gordon 
brandishes a yardstick, in the other he holds his note- 
book. They are evidently making preparations for 
the proposal and go off quickly to l. After a short 
pause Miss Crisp runs out from the house. 

Miss Crisp. How lovely everything is! Why, it is 
like a peep into fairy-land. And the moon is outshining 
herself to-night to make the plan a success. Lady Moon, 
I fear we never were the best of friends. {To Mary, 
the maid, who has just appeared from the house.) 
Mary, here is the veranda and there is the moon. All 
you have to do when Dr. Gordon gives the signal is to 
ask Miss Kittie to step out and enjoy the moonlight. 

Mary. Yis, mum. I'll do me best. (Gordon stalks 
on from l.) Glory be to Hivin, look at that! 

Gordon (reading from "Drops from a Bleeding 
Heart"). " When first I gazed into your luminous eyes 
my heart stopped beating in my breast " (he shakes his 
head moodily), stopped beating— hu-m. " From that 
moment forth I have been a changed man and you have 
been the center of my universe. Your golden hair, your 
dancing eyes, the soft sweet tremor of your voice have 
all enthralled me. Darling, will you be mine?" (Dis- 
16 



STRONG MEDICINE 1 7 

satisfied with this rendition he drops upon one knee be- 
fore a tree.) Darling, will you be mine? {Making an- 
other attempt.) No — no. Darling, will you be mine? 

{He rises to his feet shaking his head dejectedly.) 

Miss Crisp {to Davidson, who has just entered and 
is gazing in astonishment at Gordon). Poor, poor fel- 
low. He is trying to memorize his lines. 

Gordon {reading). " For I shall be faithful, yea, 
faithful even unto the tomb." 

Davidson. I just got a 'phone call from Kittie. She 
won't be here for an hour yet. She is out motoring 
with friends. 

Miss Crisp {with a significant glance at Gordon). 
The longer we have the better. 

Gordon {reading). "There comes a time when love 
must out! " {Catching sight of Miss Crisp and David- 
son.) Oh — how-de-do! How are you? {Indignantly.) 
See here, I'm sick of this ! I think the whole affair is 
disgusting. If I had my way I'd pack up and go home. 

Davidson {reassuringly). There, there, old man, you 
are all worked up. 

Gordon {extending his wrist, which is shaking like 
a leaf, for the inspection of Davidson and Miss Crisp). 
No, I'm not ! Feel my pulse. It's as calm as steel. 
Calm as steel. 

Davidson. Everything is all right. Look about you. 
Look at that moon. Things can't go wrong. Now, I 
just received a 'phone call from Kittie. She is out in 
the car but she'll be in about half-past nine. The boys 
will enjoy the party. They are going back to camp to- 
morrow. 

Gordon. Well, the sooner we get it over with, the 
better. This stuff keeps slipping out of my mind every 
time I shake my head. 

Davidson. Don't be a calamity howler. Everything 
will be all right! 

Miss Crisp. I have arranged everything I can think 
of. I have sorted out the music and I have told Mary 
what she is to do. It just takes a blast from your whistle 
to start everything running to a successful conclusion. 



l8 STRONG MEDICINE 

Gordon (slowly). But I'm not so sure I want every- 
thing running to a successful conclusion. One minute 
I'm afraid I'm going to lose and the next minute I'm 
afraid I'm going to win. 

Davidson (suspiciously) , What do you mean? 

Gordon. I mean just this. When I proposed to 
Kittie this morning it seemed the only thing to do. 
There she stood with a smile on her face and her yellow 
curls tumbling down in a kind of golden halo. It seemed 
that the natural thing, the only thing for a man to do 
was to step up and ask her to be his wife. But things 
have changed since then. You have reduced everything 
to a cold-blooded operation. A matter of formulae. Of 
things to say and things to do. You have cut out all 
romance on my part and you have made me nothing but 
a manikin who takes his lines from a printed book. 

Davidson. Nonsense, man ! You take the thing too 
seriously. Wait until you see Kittie standing in the 
moonlight. 

Gordon. That's just the trouble. Kittie's place 
should be forever in the moonlight. She's only a pretty 
child, you know, playing about in a fairy world of moon- 
beams and the dust of stars. Laughter, pretty things 
to- look at and pretty things to hear should be her lot 
forever and I dread the time when I must bring her down 
to the grim realities of the life of a physician and a 
soldier. Oh, I know I'm rattled. 

Davidson (cheerfully). That's a good sign. Lovers 
are always rattled. 

Miss Crisp (with spirit). You have thrown down 
the gauntlet.- Now you must see it through. 

Gordon. I know, old friends, and I will do my best. 
I have our musicians planted over here in the bushes. 
Have a look at them, if you will. [They go out at l. 

(Henry saunters in from the house. He is about to 
light his cigar when a shrill scream comes over the 
wall, followed by another and another. Henry 
scowls, drops his match and strides off-stage, soon 
to reappear wheeling Mrs. Van Tilt. She is at- 
tired in an evening gown.) 



STRONG MEDICINE 19 

Mrs. Van Tilt. O-o-ooh! Catch me, somebody! 
Catch me ! I'm going to wake up. 

Henry (coolly, as he lights his cigar). I gotcha, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (gazing up soulfidly). Oh, Henry, 
is it you? 

Henry (drawling). It's me! 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Roll me a bit! Roll me up and 
down through the night air! I am so disturbed — my 
nerves are all upset. I just had a horrible dream. I 
thought Mr. Van Tilt was back again. 

Henry (solemnly). If Mr. Van Tilt was back again, 
he'd " roll his own." Here we go. 

(He zvheels her slowly down right stage.) 

Mrs. Van Tilt. ' I have been through such an ordeal. 
I am a very sick woman. I am afraid that some time I 
shall wake up to find myself in heaven. 

Henry. Don't let that danger worry you, ma'am. 
Hold on tight. We are going around a curve. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. I feel so melancholy and depressed 
this evening. One does feel melancholy when one has 
been face to face with the Great Eternity. 

Henry (very much interested). Does ya ever think 
of dyin', ma'am? 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Ah, when one has been through the 
ether one thinks of many things. 

Henry (with growing interest). You're pretty far 
gone? A-tremblin' on the brink of the Great Abyss, as 
the saying goes? 

Mrs. Van Tilt. I am a very sick woman. I have 
been through a terrible ordeal and I know not at what 
moment the flame of my life may be snuffed out. 

Henry. You are right; it's the common lot, this 
snuffin' out. Life's a disease and death is the only cure. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (sadly). Only too true. 

Henry (vehemently) . The Grim Reaper will be met. 
(With stiff but energetic gestures.) He's ^ always 
a-hangin' around jist outside the door. (Bending over 
Mrs. Van Tilt.) You are a-lookin' especial bad this 
evenin', ma'am. 



20 STRONG MEDICINE 

Mrs. Van Tilt (drawing back in her chair). You 

frighten me, Henry. 

Henry. Don't let me, ma'am. I'm workin' up to the 
gist of me argument, and it's all for your own good. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. What do you mean? 

Henry (dramatically). Ma'am, I'm for efficiency. 
I'm for preparedness. I'm for reaching out me helping 
arm to me weaker brethren. There's a heart as beat 
inside the breast of Henry, there is, ma'am. And when 
I see the patients, the poor young critters a-standin' on 
the threshold of life's door, and the po-o-or old gentle- 
men and ladies (thrusting his head at Mrs. Van Tilt) 
a-grouped about the back exit— when I sees them dyin' 
like flies about me in the Sanitarium, I says to meself, 
" Henry, something must be done." (Producing a card.) 
Ma'am, I humbly begs your leave to present me business 
card. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (bewildered). Your card? 

Henry. Yes, ma'am, me business occupation which 
I runs on the side of me work in the Sanitarium. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (reading). "Henry Graved Igger. 
Select Cemetery Lots and Assorted Tombstones." ( With 
a little scream. ) Heaven help us ! 

Henry (earnestly). Not a word, ma'am. There's a 
heart as beats in Henry's breast, and a heart of self- 
sacrifice and compassion it is, too. Besides, I get me a 
commission. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (terrified). Stop! Won't you stop! 

Henry (completely overwhelming her zvith his voice). 
Death is a Great Commoner. When we is alive one- 
half the world don't know how we live, but when we 
is dead, everybody can see our tombstone. Now, ain't 
it so? 

Mrs. Van Tilt. I shall faint ! 

Henry (alarmed). Now don't faint till I gets 
through or you'll miss the opportunity of a lifetime. I'm 
connected with a select little cemetery and I'm going to 
sell you, on the most reasonable of terms, the nicest little 
lot as you would ever want to lie in. I've had me eye on 
you— and I'm of the opinion that what you want is a 
plain— gray— shaft. 



STRONG MEDICINE 21 

Mrs. Van Tilt (screaming). A shaft! 
Henry. Yes, ma'am, a shaft. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (attempting to wheel off her chair). 
I'lljiear no more. 

Henry (pleadingly as he draws back her chair). 
Consider, ma'am. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. I'll not consider ! Let me go ! 
Henry (droningly). A plain— gray— shaft. 
Mrs. Van Tilt. Keep away, I say! Keep away! 
Keep away ! Kee-p away ! (Springing from the chair 
she rushes wildly to right stage closely followed by 
Henry; then careens across stage just in time to tumble 
into the arms of Gordon, who has just entered. ) O-o-oh, 
Dr. Gordon! Save me! 

Gordon (quite rattled, his arms sticking out like 
props). " Aye, faithful unto the tomb ! " 

Mrs. Van Tilt (rushing from his arms). The tomb! 
The tomb! (Shrinking as she catches sight of Henry.) 
Gordon. I mean— " When I first gazed into your 
luminous eyes "—no, I don't mean that at all ! 

Mrs. Van Tilt (rushing back into his arms). I 
knew you would save me. 

Gordon (hysterically). Oh, it's all wrong, Mrs. Van 
Pelt— er, Mrs. Van Smelt— I tell you— I tell you—" since 
I first saw vou I am a changed man." 

Mrs. Van Tilt (making herself comfortable in his 
arms). My protector. 

Gordon (wildly). I'm not a protector. Mrs. Van 
Belt, you are a very ill woman. 

Henry. That's jist what I was a-tellin' her. 
Mrs. Van Tilt (shaking her fist at Henry). How 
dare you say I am ill ! How dare you insinuate there is 
anything the matter with me! Oh, you ghoul! You 
mole ! You slimy octopus in a white coat ! 

(Davidson enters in conversation with Miss Crisp.) 
Davidson (astonished). Mrs. Van Tilt! Gordon! 
What does this mean ? 

Mrs Van Tilt (still in Gordon's arms), bay not 
a word, Doctor. The young man is protecting me from 
the grave. 



22 STRONG MEDICINE 

Davidson. I don't understand. 

Gordon (unhappily). Oh, Henry has done some- 
thing, or heard something, or said something. I don't 
know what is the matter. 

Davidson (severely). Henry, what have you been 
up to? 

Henry (indignantly). I? He asks what I've been 
up to? 

Mrs. Van Tilt (to Henry). You shroud! 

Davidson. None of your capers, Henry. What have 
you been doing? 

Henry. I wasn't doing anything at all. We was jist 
discussin', sir — discussin' an' observin' — an' it was a very 
grave subject we was discussin', too. 

Gordon. Well, be more careful what you discuss in 
the future — if this is the result. Mrs. Van Quilt, hadn't 
you better get back into the chair? 

Mrs. Van Tilt (dramatically) . And be rolled into 
my grave ? Ne-ver ! 

Gordon. But, ah, you must go somewhere. 

Mrs. A^an Tilt. Oh, I can stay here forever ! 

Gordon (desperately). But you know, this won't do. 
You are a very sick woman. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. I am not a sick woman. (All start 
and look astonished.) There is nothing whatever the 
matter with me. (Tripping forward.) I am the very 
picture of rosy health. 

Gordon. Oh, everything is wrong. I wish I could 
go home. 

Davidson. Now, Mrs. Van Tilt, the thing for you to 
do is to come up on the veranda and enjoy the night 
air. Of course this might be a little hard on a sick 
woman, but for a person in ro-sy health — it is just the 
thing. Don't you think so? 

Mrs. Van Tilt. All right ! (Drawing Gordon by 
the hand.) Come, Doctor. 

Gordon (pulling back). Did you say "come"? 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Yes, you may sit by me. 

Gordon (aside). What's the matter with this woman ? 

Davidson (coming to the rescue). Dr. Gordon will 
be with you shortly. He must polish up his proposal. 



STRONG MEDICINE 



2 3 



Mrs. Van Tilt. Now, he doesn't need to polish up. 
I will make allowances. 

Gordon (horrified). What do you mean? 

Mrs. Van Tilt (pouting). What do I mean? How 
can you ask me such a question? Dr. Davidson, himself, 
told me in the office that you were going to propose to- 
night — and immediately after he invited me to the party. 
I thought it was very obvious. And just now you told 
me you were a changed man and would be faithful unto 
(gulping as she glances at Henry) the tomb. 

Henry. A — plain — gray — shaft. 

Gordon. This is an awful night. (To Mrs. Van 
Tilt.) I assure you, Mrs. Van Twilt 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Mrs. Van Tilt 

Gordon. Mrs. Van Wilt, I assure you 

Davidson (to Gordon). Stop! Do not say any- 
thing now. It will only complicate the situation. Let 
her think what she pleases, it can do no harm. Just 
resign yourself to luck and to my plan 

Gordon. Oh, hang your plan ! 

Mrs. Van Tilt. Don't be long, young man. (Co- 
qnettishly.) But I make no promises. 

(She takes Miss Crisp's arm and retires to the veranda.) 

Gordon (fiercely to Davidson). You got me into 
this. I wish I never had listened to you. 

Davidson (very ill at ease). No harm has been done 
yet — no harm has been done yet — no harm has 

Gordon (sarcastically). No, no harm has been done 
yet, with that old she-hippopotamus up there on the 
porch — ready to pounce on me at any moment. 

Davidson (bridling). Now, see here, I won't have 
you calling Mrs. Van Tilt a she-hippopotamus. She is 
one of my patients, I'll have you understand, and I think 
she is a fine figure of a woman. Besides she sits in the 
lap of luxury, and luxury is a mighty easy seat. 

Gordon. Well, I don't care whose lap she sits in, she 
isn't going to sit in mine. 

Miss Crisp (running in between them). Oh, you are 
spoiling everything. What would Kittie think to come 
home and find you quarreling? Dr. Davidson, you have 



24 STRONG MEDICINE 

proposed a plan. It is up to you to see it through. Dr. 
Gordon, you have thrown down the gauntlet. Are you 
going to leave it lying and run away? 

Davidson {anxiously). That's right, Gordon. 

Miss Crisp {laughing). Tut-tut. For two old friends 
like you to be quarreling about Mrs. Van Tilt. Aren't 
you ashamed of yourselves? Think of the many years 
you have worked side by side, and this is your last night 
together for a long, long time. 

Gordon. You are right, Miss Crisp. My hand, 
Davidson. 

Davidson {pumping Gordon's hand). With all my 
heart. We are all too much excited. Now, to avoid a 
quarrel, we'll just leave it that I'm right. 

Miss Crisp {hurriedly) . Let us see where we stand. 
I have talked with Mary and she knows what to do. 
The grape juice has been prepared and I slipped the 
wine — oh, just a little — into Miss Davidson's glass. The 
music has been sorted. 

' Davidson. We couldn't have had a better little 
worker. 

Gordon. You are a brick, Miss Crisp, a gold brick. 
I don't know what I would do without you. 

Davidson {brightening). And with such a night and 
such a moon you are sure to win. Don't you think so, 
Miss Crisp? 

Miss Crisp. No one could withstand the combina- 
tion. 

Gordon {rapidly). Now, here is my plan. At ten 
o'clock I blow my whistle and the game begins. Mary 
urges Kittie to go out and look at the moon. Two 
minutes later I follow and the music starts. At ten-five 
Mary appears with grape- juice. We drink until ten- 
eight. From ten-eight until ten-fifteen Patriotism takes 
the center of the stage. At ten-fifteen the music changes 
to a slow waltz and Love comes on. At ten-twenty-five 
I take her hand ... at ten-twenty-seven I kiss it 
. . . at ten-twenty-nine I press her lips to mine . . . 
and at ten-thirty our engagement is announced. The 
moon shines all the time. {Triumphantly.) You see, it 
is all arranged. 



STRONG MEDICINE 25 

Davidson (applauding). Capital! Splendid! You 
are an efficiency expert if there ever was one. Don't 
you think it is tine, Miss Crisp? 

Miss Crisp. Oh, it's wonderful (in a lower tone) if 
it works. 

Gordon. That is just what is bothering me. If — it — 
works. No matter how carefully you plan a thing, there 
is always something to trip you up. 

Davidson. But nothing can happen to you. 

Gordon. Oh, lots of things might happen. I might 
get stage fright, or she (pointing in the direction of Mrs. 

Van Tilt) might butt in, or (A great moaning 

from the violins accompanied by dismal wails breaks out 
from the bushes on l.) Merciful Heavens, what is that? 

Davidson. Here you! Here you! Stop that! 
What are you doing? 

(Henry emerges from the bushes, followed by the 
very tall negro with a very small violin and the very 
small negro with a 'cello.) 

Gordon. Now, what does this mean? (Henry and 
the two negroes stare at each other and shuffle from side 
to side.) Come, come, speak out. Where is that tongue 
you so love to wag? 

Henry (sheepishly). There must have been a leetle 
mistake — in the time. 

Gordon. I guess there was. And in the music, too. 
I never heard such a racket in all my life. 

First Negro. We done tole you so, Boss Henry. 

(Henry darts an angry glance at him.) 
Second Negro. We done tole you so. 

(Henry glares in his direction.) 

Gordon. Well, what was the matter? 

Henry. Now, don't be hard on us. We gentlemen 
of the musical persuasion has our leetle eccentricities. 
There appears to be a slight incongruity. In some 
strange way we was a-playin' the music from the wake. 

Gordon (throwing up his hands in despair). I knew 



26 STRONG MEDICINE 

it ! Oh, I knew something would go wrong. If it isn't 
one thing, it will be another. 

(The Negroes and Henry shuffle off murmuring, 
" We done tole you so." Davidson and Miss Crisp 
look hopelessly at one another.) 

Davidson (excitedly). I have heard that when the 
armies contemplate a drive they plan it all out ahead of 
time — just as we have done — and then they rehearse it. 
They rehearse it like a play. 

Miss Crisp. That is the very thing. We will have a 
rehearsal and then, Doctor (to Gordon), you may have 
no fear of the real proposal going wrong. 

Gordon. Have we time? 

Davidson (looking at his watch). We have just half 
an hour. 

Gordon. Good! We will have a rehearsal, for it 
is the only way we may be sure of ourselves. 

Miss Crisp (calling into the house). Mary, Mary! 
come here a moment. 

Mary (coming dozvn the steps). Yis, mum. 

Miss Crisp. Henry, where are you, Henry? 

Henry (emerging from the bushes). Always ready, 
ma'am. 

Gordon. We are going to have a rehearsal so we may 
all know what to do for the real proposal. Keep your 
watches out and your brains alert. See here, who is 
going to play the girl ? Henry 

Henry (backing off). Not me, sir. I'll plav me 
fiddle. 

Gordon. Then — yes — then, Miss Crisp, it is up to 
you. You have always stood by me. 

Miss Crisp. I would rather not. 

Davidson. The time is passing. 

Gordon. Won't you help me out this one more time? 

Miss Crisp. I will — and here is my hand on it. I 
want you to succeed — in everything. / 

Gordon. I appreciate that. 

Miss Crisp. Mary, serve grape-juice this time. 

Mary. Yis, mum. (Aside.) I will not. There is 



STRONG MEDICINE 1j 

plenty of wine in the cellar. (Coquettishly to Gordon.) 
Ah, yez do look gr-rand to-night, Dr. Gordon. 
Gordon. Is this another one after me? 

(Mary disappears into the house and Henry exits l.) 

Davidson (who has gone back to Mrs. Van Tilt). 
And now, Mrs. Van Tilt, we will sit quietly here on the 
veranda and enjoy the rehearsal. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. To what rehearsal do you refer? 

Davidson. Gordon is going to rehearse his proposal. 

Mrs. Van Tilt. The dear boy goes to too much 
trouble. I am not a particular woman. 

Davidson. There, there, let him have his way. We 
will watch and see that they do it right. 

Mrs. Van Tilt (calling to Gordon). Do play 
" Whispering Winds." It just carries me away. 

Gordon (calling off-stage). Henry, as you love me, 
play " Whispering Winds." It carries her away ! 

Miss Crisp. Now we are ready. Mary, are you 
there ? 

Mary (calling front the house). Yis, mum. 

Miss Crisp. Henry! 

Henry (front the bushes off stage). Henry is al- 
ways prepared. 

Gordon. Shall I blow the whistle? 

Miss Crisp. Do ! 

(Miss Crisp runs into the house. Gordon hurries 
back through the hedge, blowing a shrill blast on his 
whistle as he goes. After a short pause music be- 
gins softly and Mary steps out upon the veranda.) 

Mary (oratorically) . Yez ought to see the moon- 
light. It's fallin' all over the place. Step out on the 
verandie where yez can see it good. 

Miss Crisp (appearing from the house). Very well, 
Mary. (She conies down to the garden bench. Mary 
disappears in the house.) It is a jolly moon. 

Gordon {whistling as he conies through the gatezvay. 
He stops abruptly upon seeing Miss Crisp). Why, 



28 STRONG MEDICINE 

hello, Miss Davidson. You are the last person on earth 
I expected to see out here. 

Miss Crisp (with light sarcasm). Were you expect- 
ing to depart for another planet? It was so stuffy and 
dull inside that I stepped out to have a bit of a chat with 
an old friend of mine. 

Gordon (at a loss as to her meaning). An old friend 
of yours? 

Miss Crisp. Yes, the moon, such a jolly, comfortable 
old friend (Laughing.) Oh, don't look so seri- 
ous, you make me want to laugh. 

Gordon. It is a very serious occasion. 

Miss Crisp (repentantly). That is so. And I am a 
very impudent girl. (Absently.) A different expression 
every time I see 

Gordon. Who has a different expression ? What are 
you talking about? 

Miss Crisp. The moon, of course. To-night such a 
sarcastic look. 

Gordon (completely at sea). She is a nice moon, so 
awfully round and — well, yellow. (Impatiently.) Now, 
see here, I'm getting all out of my schedule. 

Miss Crisp. I'm sorry. • I won't say another word. 

Gordon. Now, don't get provoked. Besides, you 
must say something. I can't say it all. 

Miss Crisp. Won't you sit down? 

Gordon. Thank you! (They seat themselves on the 
bench. Mary appears with glasses on a tray.) Hello, 
what's this? (In affected surprise.) Grape-juice! 
There is nothing like grape-juice to warm up the cockles 
of your heart. (Handing Miss Crisp a glass.) 

Mary (aside). Glory be, he takes this for grape- 
juice. 

Davidson (from the veranda). Pst! Pst! Some 
for us, Mary, please. 

Mary. I'm comin', sir. 

(Crosses to Davidson and then disappears into the 
house.) 

Miss Crisp (seriously). I ask you, as a medical man, 
where are the cockles of the heart located? 



STRONG MEDICINE 



2 9 



Gordon. Ahem — you catch me unprepared. I must 
think the matter over. 

Miss Crisp {trying a new tack). A health — to the 
moon. 

Gordon {waving his glass). To the moon — may she 
ever smile as sweetly on us as she does to-night. {A 
deep silence follows.) Ahem . . . ahem . . . 
ahem . . . Miss Davidson 

Miss Crisp {encouragingly). Yes 



Gordon. Ahem . . . Miss Davidson, there comes 
a time ... a time ... a time, I say, when 
there comes a time — and, Miss Davidson, that — time — 
has come! 

Miss Crisp {brightly). How neatly you put it. A 
time has come — good ! 

Gordon. You do help a fellow out. It would be easy 
to propose to you. Ahem . . . ahem ... all 
my life I shall treasure this moment in my heart. The 
mellow moonlight, the sweet music wafted through the 
air, the soft sweet tremor of your voice — not to forget 
you, yourself — one treasures such thoughts as these when 
one goes off to camp. {A short snappy strain of 
" Yankee Doodle " from the violins after which they 
relapse into the soft playing of a camping song.) I am 
off to camp to-morrow. 

Miss Crisp {forgetting her role). Did you get the 
sweater I knitted you? 

Gordon. I did indeed. I am very proud of it. 

Miss Crisp. I'm afraid it isn't long enough. 

Gordon. Oh, plenty. I tried it on. Where was I? 
Oh, yes, I am off to camp to-morrow and from that time 
on my future will be as drab as the uniform I wear. 

Miss Crisp. You look splendid in your uniform — like 
a general. 

Gordon {flattered). Do you think so? You do help 
a fellow out. It is a bit tight around the collar. 

Miss Crisp {regarding him critically). It isn't bad. 
(Looking at the moon.) The moon looks as though she 
contemplates French leave. 

Gordon. I'm sure she won't. She wouldn't dare. 
(A long pause in which only the clinking of the glasses 



30 STRONG MEDICINE 

can be heard.) Miss Crisp . . . that is, Miss 
Davidson . . . Kittie . . . may I call you Kittie ? 

Miss Crisp. If you wish to. 

Gordon.* And you call me Charlie. You owe me 
something. (Glibly.) I am off to camp to-morrow. 

Miss Crisp (obediently). Charlie 

Gordon. The first time I gazed into your luminous 
eyes my heart stopped beating — that's a physiological im- 
possibility, don't you think? 

Miss Crisp. Yes, yes, go on. 

Gordon (with great fervor)_. And now my heart 
stops beating every time I see you. Since our first meet- 
ing I have been a ruined man — I mean, a changed man. 
Your golden eyes, your dancing hair, the — oh, everything 
about you simply overwhelms me. At the merest whis- 
per of your name my heart commences to thunder in my 
breast, my head sings, my pulse jumps and I am afire all 
over. Your image is constantly before me. I can speak 
of nothing, hear nothing, smell, touch or taste nothing, 
without thinking of you. Virginia 

(Dropping clumsily to his knees.) 

Miss Crisp. That's my name ! 

Gordon (springs up indignantly). I know it! Now 
you have spoiled everything. I was just beginning to 
get worked up. How can I do this realistically if you 
give me no support? Where was I? (Sitting down 
again upon the bench.) Oh, yes! Miss Davidson . . . 
Kittie . . . Miss Crisp . . . Virginia. Will I — 
will you — that is, will I be yours ? No — no — will you 
be yours? That is to say, will you be thine? Oh, I'm 
getting it all twisted. I never was so rattled in all my 
life. 

Miss Crisp (attempting to comfort him). It is al- 
ways that way at first. 

Gordon (excitedly). It is always this way at first! 
Do you mean to say that you have heard this before — 

this guff? Has anybody ever dared Who is the 

fellow? Tell me his name 

Miss Crisp. 'Oh, you mistake me. I mean that 



STRONG MEDICINE 3 1 

everything is this way at first. Don't you remember 
your first operation in the Sanitarium? 

Gordon. Yes, yes ! When I tried to cut off Mrs. 
Billing's left leg instead of her right. You have helped 
me out of many a difficulty. 

Miss Crisp. I was happy to do it. 

Gordon. What a chummy time we have had the last 
few years. And now camp will end it all. No, I'll be 
hanged if it will ! Virginia 

{Taking her hands and drawing her to her feet.) 

Miss Crisp. Charlie 

Gordon. Let me diagnose the case. We're in love. 

Miss Crisp. Oh, the moonlight is making you say 
these things, the moonlight and the music. 

Gordon. Why, no, it isn't. What have they to do 
with it? I know who has been my guide all these years, 
who has stood by me in all my troubles. Virginia, to- 
morrow I take the first step on the trail that leads to 
France. Before I go 

Miss Crisp. No, no, Charlie, we'll take the trail to- 
gether. 

{They embrace. A pause. The music, which has 
become softer and softer, dies away.) 

Davidson {from the veranda). When I first gazed 
into your luminous eyes 

Mrs. Van TIlt. Oh, you old flatterer! 

Davidson. Ah, Mrs. Van Tilt, second marriages are 
always the best. We have done all our experimenting 
already. 

(Henry ambles in through the gate.) 

Henry {calling). Dr. Davidson! Where's Dr. 
Davidson? {He stops abruptly as he sees Gordon and 
Miss Crisp, shakes his head sadly and goes off towards 
right stage.) Dr. Davidson! A telegram for Dr. 
Davidson ! 

Davidson {coming down from the veranda). Who 
wants me ? What is it, Henry ? 

Henry. Telegram for you, sir. It came quite a while 



32 STRONG MEDICINE 

ago but I didn't want to interrupt the rehearsal. {En- 
couragingly.) T. guess somebody is dead. 

Davidson (to Mrs. Van Tilt as he rips open the 
envelope). It is from Kittie. What is she up to now? 
(Reading.) "While out motoring, Herbert asked me 
to marry him. So I did. We are bringing the minister 
home with us. Blame it on the moon." Always doing 
something unexpected. Now, she's engaged! No, by 
George, she's married — married! (His eyes light on 
Gordon.) Gordon — poor old fellow! 

Gordon (to Miss Crisp). Poor old fellow! 

Davidson (miserably). Gordon, it will be a hard 
blow to you 

Gordon. Yes, Doctor. 

Davidson. Kittie is — married! 

Gordon (with enthusiasm). Great! That lets her 
out. (Presenting Miss Crisp.) Davidson, this is my 
future wife. 

Davidson (always equal to the emergency). Miss 
Crisp, Gordon, congratulations with all my heart! 
(Looking towards Mrs. Van Tilt.) And this is Mrs. 
Davidson, the Fifth. 

Gordon. Mrs. Van Tilt 

Davidson. She's a fine figure of a woman. (An 
automobile horn squeaks loudly. ) There ! Kittie's back. 
Hello-o, Kitty ! 

Gordon (to Henry). Play something, can't you! 

Henry. What shall I play? 

Gordon. Play the Wedding March. 



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BAKER, 5 Hamilton 


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LIBHAHY Ul- UUNbHbbb 



^kj^L. 



Plays for 




The Air Spy 

Bachelor Hall 

The College Chap 

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Daddy 

The Deacon's Second Wife 

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An Easy Mark 

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Engaged by Wednesday 

The Farmerette 

For One Night Only 

Hamilton 

Hlgbee of Harvard 

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Sally Lunn 

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She Stoops to Conquer 

Step Lively 

The Submarine Shell 

The Thirteenth Star 

The Time of His Life 

Tommy's Wife 

The Twig of Thorn 



kAAA 



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BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass* 



